Lately I've been feeling extremely tested. It's as though being ME has been rubbing everyone else in the wrong way and no matter what I do...it's turned into something negative. I give and I give...with no rewards; and not only physical gifts, but the simple gifts God grants us everyday. Why must I always be turned into the antagonist? I do what I have to do everyday, not only thinking about myself, but about those all around me. Why am I treated as the criminal when my actions do not speak of such evil?
Family. A union created by God...thicker than water...stronger than steel...as infinite as infinity. If I'm part of a family, why do I feel like I'm really not? God has granted me not only my internal family binded my blood, but an external family created through connections. My mother and I have the type of relationship far from an average fairy tale. It's as though I've been her number one enemy for most of my life. She shows no compassion, no trust, no love towards me. Nothing...she shows no value in me. And if I sat here and said it doesn't hurt....that would be a complete lie. I admit, I am far from a saint, but I have never done my mother in a way where she would show such hate towards me. Last time, I remember my mother being a 'real mother' to me was when I was like 4 or 5 and I really messed up my cornea on my right eye. She cried, she thought I was going to go blind in one eye, but thanks to HIM...I prevailed and have my vision [on both eyes]. I have been writing on my diary since I was probably in 4th or 5th grade. Volumes and volumes of entries written by me. If I was to go back and read some, I promise you that every other entry would be of my mother and the way she treats me. You know, she really cares for me, and she loves me...I know she does, but she doesn't realize that her actions and words do affect me...and they do hurt. If they didn't, I wouldn't be crying as I write this. She's proud of me, you know. After my older sister decided to take another path and not attend college, the burden was left on me. I was basically obligated to attend. Lucky for me, it was a mutual aspiration. My mother has done a lot for me and my sisters, she has, and she still does...even though it seems like I've been pushed away financially. This has nothing to do with money though. It's about how no matter what I do...I'm never going to have a seal of approval in her eyes. This morning, she was talking to my father about me and 'all that I do'...yea...of course...the negative, never the positive. She only speaks of my positive endeavors when it's convenient for her...when it makes her look good.
But away from my mother...
I have friends...or at least i would like to say that I do. I have one best friend who knows some of my deepest 'secrets'...secrets I feel i will never be able to tell. I treasure her more than the world because she has been there for me. Of course now with her boyfriend...our time is limited more, but I don't take it to the heart. He needs her time too. Even though, he receives her time more than even her family does. It's understandable though....my best friend is the hopeless romantic type.
I have a group of people I consider my friends. We hang out, discuss several topics, and enjoy each other's company, but there are times I feel like I'm somehow forgotten; as though, I am only there when convenient. I feel like when I'm gone...I'm really gone. I put effort, but the same effort is not given in return. Times are changing, and it feels like I'm...still. I love those who are in my circle, how come I don't feel that same love all the time. Is it wrong for me to feel loved? Because I'm starting to think it's a hopeless thought for me. I know I'm the worst when it comes to phone calls...but at least receiving a missed call from you let's me know you were thinking of me.
I guess all I have is my dreams, my aspirations. I have proven to myself that I can fulfill them and that there is still a star on Hollywood waiting for me.
"When I leave in the morning, I leave on the light, 'cause I still make it home to myself every night..."
--Nikki Jean
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